Just some thoughts and ideas going around in my head while trying to figure out where I am and where everyone else is going.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Mean and Morose

Recently I was told by someone that I met that they had not wanted to speak to me, approach me, “spend any energy” on me because I looked mean and morose. Mean and morose?

Mean yes, I’ve heard that plenty of times. In fact I think I may have developed and even enhanced that look just to keep people, specifically the old lechers that you find in the gay arena away from me. When I was young I had that look of fresh meat that many older men seemed to be attracted to. Of course now that I have become an old letch myself, that look should have been something I should have dropped a long time ago. But morose? Morose is the look you have when you know Boris Karloff is outside your door waiting to take you down the aisle for better or worse. Morose? Where did this come from?

Have you ever looked back at your childhood pictures and wondered at how innocent and honest you looked back when you were so much younger? Back when you had no worries about money, career or relationships. A time when things seemed to be much more clearer, much more simpler. That’s what I used to do. I would look at pictures I took in kindergarten or there about and ask myself where did that person go and why was I so different now.

Earlier this month I was at my mother’s house looking for a picture of myself and my father taken when I was small. I wanted to make a copy and do something with it, but I couldn’t find it. Instead I found one taken of myself and my mother. I wasn’t sure where or when it was taken but it was around the same time period as the picture I was looking for, so I made a scan of it.

After I had emailed the picture to myself, I started to look at my younger self and I realized that in this picture, I didn’t look so innocent. In fact I looked like a little bitch that was planning, plotting and scheming about things already. I seemed to be looking for all the ins while keeping in mind where the outs were. There was a deep glower on my face with slits for eyes, although since my father’s mother was half Chinese, I’ll blame her for that. There was an intensity in my look that said; I’m not sure, but happy wasn’t it. Actually apart from the cigarette missing from my right hand, there wasn’t much difference then from how I look now.

Show me the boy at 12 and I’ll give you the man. Mean and morose…uhh maybe.


  1. mean and morose, huh? Isn't it interesting how we can look at our younger selves and realize what we've grown into - it's just kinda interesting...quit looking mean.

  2. My mind often wonders back to those days where the wind was tempting and the main phrase around me and the other kids was, "When I'm grown, I'm going to..." Innocence in fragile hands will be broken soon.

  3. yes i do, but great pic, u dont look innocebnt to me like u had something goning on in your mind LOL
    have a great weekend jones

  4. sorry, I didnt read this post...but I wanted to ask, Is that your pic on here? Nice bod!

    Thanks for visiting my page

  5. Darius - I think looking mean is my personal makeup and it's hard to get rid of. It helps me go anywhere I want to go without having to be worried about risk of personal injury.

    thegaytekeeper - Thank You. After looking at your site, that means a lot to me.

    remorji - Funny, I stopped thinking as kids as innocent just because they are kids and their needs are so much more than others. I remember being wicked and hurtful sometimes when I was younger and I see the same traits in some kids today.

    Torrance - That's exactly what I mean. I don't think I look innocent or maybe even wasn't innocent then, even though I'd like to believe I was.

    kin'shar - I'm sorry, I'm not sure which picture you are referring to, but the profile picture is me and this childhood picture for this post is me, but neither can be thought of as body shots. There are 1 or 2 others scattered amongst the various posts.

  6. Morose...yeah, that's kind of harsh, but I don't know you. I'm glad you realized that you did not look innocent in that picture, because I was going to have to say something.

    Me, i still look innocent.

  7. One Man - You look innocent? Is that what you tell yourself as you yell at those people and reach for your nightstick?


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