Just some thoughts and ideas going around in my head while trying to figure out where I am and where everyone else is going.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year

For my final blog entry for 2009 I could talk about failed resolutions from 2009 and the ones that I will probably fail to do in 2010. I could even talk about what I intend to do tonight to celebrate the evenings events, but I won't. I've always thought that whatever emotions or thoughts that one has on New Year's Eve are at best transitory or at worst worthless and irrelevant. So whether you will be toasting the festivities with champagne or sparkling wine or a can of beer, what I will say is just do your best next year and be happy.

See you on the other side.

Happy New Year!!!2010!!!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire

I’ve been told that all I ever think about is sex; I always make a reference to sex either verbally or literally, and that is so untrue. I’ve never spoken about sex when writing about catastrophes like earthquakes or when planes fall from the sky. Speaking of which just let me get this straight, the Christmas Day Bomber 23-year-old Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab was carrying an explosive device in his underwear when it went off and instead of it exploding, it just burst into flame. Like Jerry Lee Lewis used to sing, “Goodness gracious great balls of fire.”

Now I think that if there was a cause that I believed in strongly enough, there wouldn’t be anything that I wouldn’t do to fight for that cause. But I would have to think long and hard to find a good enough reason to roast my own chestnuts and even then I’m not sure that I would come up with anything. I mean the boy was 23 so he must have thought that what he was carrying wouldn’t have been that big enough to completely obliterate him. But then I’ve never really understood that kind of behavior, here of there, now or before.

Speaking of nuts, I’ve heard that because of what happened on Christmas, many airports in the US and around the world intend on getting those whole body image machines that can take pictures of the body exposing anything or everything that maybe concealed below a passenger’s clothing. I know now that I will never get a Prince Albert even though I had been thinking about it. It will be bad enough that strangers will be able to see my Little Dorrit without me having a say so in the matter, but they would also be able to judge me and come to whatever conclusion they will have about me simply by staring at my choice of jewelry. And God forbid that I should ever become famous, that picture would be emailed over the net and TMZ before I would have even found my seat on the aircraft.

I remember back when I was child, we had to be well dressed to get on a plane. I had to wear a suit and a tie when I was 10 and travelling with my mother so that I wouldn’t shame her. Nowadays all of that has changed. We will be forced into a state virtual nudity by people making $3 over minimum wage who will map every mole and blemish on our bodies only to discover we will still get onto planes that fall from the sky for no apparent reason.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree

Do I really need to say it? No, I'll let someone else do it.

Oh alright then. Like Tiny Tim once said,
"God bless us, everyone."

Merry Christmas!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Christmas is Coming

It's coming, it's starting. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Well actually I don't really remember New Jersey having this much snow on the week of Christmas, but what are you going to do? I'll tell you what I will do because it's time for me to watch the annual Christmas movie.

Now most people will be watching It's a Wonderful Life or A Christmas Story or one of the one hundred and ten different versions of A Christmas Carol or Scrooge, the best of which is the one starring Alistair Sim. But I, I will watch Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas. Don't ask me why I enjoy it or why it has become a annual event. All I can say is that I appreciate the sentiment the movie has when it shows us that we not be everyone's cup of tea but all of us have something that we can contribute to make things better.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Wrong Gift

Christmas is coming but then you’ve probably heard that already.

This year much like last year and the year before, I won’t have to find or even think about a present for that special someone. I won’t have to rack my brains trying to figure out what is going to be the best thing that will bring joy to other half and yet represent me in such a way that would make me proud. I don’t have to think about getting jewelry or designer clothing or exclusive cologne made by nuns in hills of Spain. Although, when I did get those things for my partner, they were never really appreciated anyway. I think I’ve said this before; he would give me a list of things that he wanted and asked for a list from me. I always thought it took the spirit of gift giving for me but it was what he wanted so I went along with it. When I think back though, having a list from someone sometimes avoids you from getting the wrong gift.

I’m not sure it was around Christmas, but I remember one year when there wasn’t a list of things that I wanted he gave me a vibrating bullet. It wasn’t the one that pictured here, but one made out of that cheap white plastic that your mother’s Tupperware used to be made from and I thought to myself, “What the hell am I supposed to do with this?” But I said nothing and took it home with me.

Later that week I sat naked on my bed and decided to try the bullet out. After turning the thing on and rubbing it up and down my penis and not really getting anything from it, I figured perhaps that wasn’t the way it was supposed to be used. So I put some lube on it and shoved it part way up my anus. I turned it on again and “schloop”, that thing went all the way up my ass like it had found a special home for itself.

So there I was sitting, holding onto an electrical cord coming out from between my cheeks with one hand and stroking my special friend with the other wondering how, if something happened, I would explain this to people and what was the point of it all? Feeling like a fool, I also wondered why didn’t any instructions come with the bullet and why didn’t it come in a box or a plastic bag? ...And then it came to me. I wasn’t the only ass this little bitch had been in but I knew then that unless someone was to go through the garbage, I would certainly be the last.

That was the wrong gift.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Pomp and Circumstance

I promise I will write something worth writing about soon, but since Congress will no longer be giving the Congressional Gold Medal or whatever it was to Tiger Woods I thoroughly and without reservation endorse these commemorative collectible plates in its stead.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Health Care for All

I can’t believe it was just this past Wednesday that I was complaining to myself that for the almost 3 weeks that I had spent in Florida that the temperature had not gotten above 78F. Now that I’m back in Jersey, it’s cold and wet and a light snow on the ground and I’m starting to realize just how lucky I was. But this isn’t about me ever being satisfied, at least not about the weather but rather about the health care system in this country.

I was outside of the old City Hall in Tampa last week being thoroughly bored when I noticed one bum sitting on a bench examining the pictures of the pair and walk away all the while wondering to myself if this was that status swollen foot of another. Without trying to be obtrusive, I was able to sneak in 2quo that the Republicans really wanted to maintain. Did they really want doctors and medical visits for the rich and those of us lucky enough to have medical insurance provided by our jobs while the rest of the population deals with their issues the best way that they can? I don’t know, but somehow it just doesn’t seem right.


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