I have been called vain a number of times. I remember the first time that I really took notice of it was when I dropped a weight on my index finger about 10 years ago. I called my mother that week or later and she scolded me about not going to the doctor.“You know how you are if your finger turns crooked or if they cut it off because no one looked at it, “she said.
“And how is that?”I asked
“Vain. You’d never be able to live with yourself if you lost a finger.”
She was probably right in a sense, if I had lost the finger it would have been yet another flaw in my physical makeup that I would have had to hide. Another blemish that I would cover up with something less egregious. But she was also wrong. What she and others had called vain was not my attempt at proclaiming how physically beautiful I was, but rather my endeavor to keep people from pointing at me and saying how weird I looked.
This probably started when I was about 9 or 10 years old and I went to the public swimming pool with a couple of my friends. I had stripped down and was about to get into my swimming trunks when one of them turned, looked at me, pointed at my dick and laughed. I don’t remember what words were said but apparently I seemed to be abnormally large compared to their little nubbins, they were both white if that means anything to you, and I had become a source for their amusement.
From that point on, I covered my genitalia so others would not laugh at me. It’s not the 10 inch deal that I sometimes wish I had, but I still felt insecure about it. I always covered the scar on my stomach that I got when I was 14 days old from an operation when I realized that it looked like a map of the Panama Canal, a big gash cut across the midsection. I grew an afro, not because it was fashionable but so I could cover my big forehead and hide the ears that stuck out in a point. My last girlfriend would say that I reminded her of Dr. Spock.
“The baby doctor?” I would ask her.
Witty comebacks were not my thing then, but if you are going to make fun of me using Star Trek references, at least use the correct terminology. Now that I think of her, she was probably in part responsible for turning me.
Anyway last week , I was again told that I was vain, just because that I had mentioned that I had had some grill work done which included an implant on teeth so far back in my mouth no one would ever see it unless they were a dentist and looking for another holiday trip to Israel. That was what my dentist took as soon as I finished paying her for that procedure.
You see I’m not vain. I’m very much insecure and frightened by almost anything that will make me feel a smaller person than I am. So in order to try to show that I have nothing to be vain about, I'm willing to do the grand gesture and show myself in all my glory.
“And how is that?”I asked
“Vain. You’d never be able to live with yourself if you lost a finger.”
She was probably right in a sense, if I had lost the finger it would have been yet another flaw in my physical makeup that I would have had to hide. Another blemish that I would cover up with something less egregious. But she was also wrong. What she and others had called vain was not my attempt at proclaiming how physically beautiful I was, but rather my endeavor to keep people from pointing at me and saying how weird I looked.
This probably started when I was about 9 or 10 years old and I went to the public swimming pool with a couple of my friends. I had stripped down and was about to get into my swimming trunks when one of them turned, looked at me, pointed at my dick and laughed. I don’t remember what words were said but apparently I seemed to be abnormally large compared to their little nubbins, they were both white if that means anything to you, and I had become a source for their amusement.
From that point on, I covered my genitalia so others would not laugh at me. It’s not the 10 inch deal that I sometimes wish I had, but I still felt insecure about it. I always covered the scar on my stomach that I got when I was 14 days old from an operation when I realized that it looked like a map of the Panama Canal, a big gash cut across the midsection. I grew an afro, not because it was fashionable but so I could cover my big forehead and hide the ears that stuck out in a point. My last girlfriend would say that I reminded her of Dr. Spock.
“The baby doctor?” I would ask her.
Witty comebacks were not my thing then, but if you are going to make fun of me using Star Trek references, at least use the correct terminology. Now that I think of her, she was probably in part responsible for turning me.
Anyway last week , I was again told that I was vain, just because that I had mentioned that I had had some grill work done which included an implant on teeth so far back in my mouth no one would ever see it unless they were a dentist and looking for another holiday trip to Israel. That was what my dentist took as soon as I finished paying her for that procedure.
You see I’m not vain. I’m very much insecure and frightened by almost anything that will make me feel a smaller person than I am. So in order to try to show that I have nothing to be vain about, I'm willing to do the grand gesture and show myself in all my glory.
Well not all of it. What would you expect?
Anyone who is willing to share such personal information and expose themselves to the world the way you just did is doing a pretty good job of breaking through insecurities. Vain you may not be but hopefully soon neither will you call yourself insecure.
ReplyDeleteWhozhe - Thanks for your words of encouragement. Unfortunately I think that if I haven't gotten rid of my insecurities by now, I probably never will. But I have learned to live with them and I try to overcome them bit by bit.
ReplyDeleteI feel the insecurity. I am the same. I too wore a fro to hide my big forehead, but not my eyss, but my thin eyebrows.
ReplyDeleteOMO - The things people do just to cover up stuff that's probably not even noticeable to begin with. But like I tell people, or at least think about telling people, it's about the quality of life.
ReplyDeleteI got all messed up when you said your nipples hardened. lol
ReplyDeleteEveryone is insecure about something. You're not experiencing vainity but more so utilizing your defensive mechanisms.
D - You are right. But I think people are starting to notice those defences and that sort of defeats the purpose of them.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I hope when you "got all messed up" it was only in a nice way.
I've visited quite a few blogs tonight. Yours was the best. You're an honest writer -- the best sort -- and authenticity goes a long way with me. Thanks for a memorable visit.
ReplyDeleteGrace to you,
Michele
Michele - Thank you for dropping by and your compliment. I just try to express what my thoughts are at the time that I write and if there is something there that rings true for you, then I am more than glad.
ReplyDeleteI feel this post!
ReplyDeleteFor some reason I have been called vain, but I believe I carry myself in such a way to hide MY many flaws.
I have an insecurity with my complexion. I have become more comfortable with it as I have gotten older, I have learned to love myself, but going up, I was always the "darkest" of my cousins, family members, etc and it was HARD, they were pretty brutal in the way that they treated me.
Silly as my insecurity may sound it hunted me and forced me to build up defense mechanisms to deal with people's ignorance.
But being able to be honest with yourself dealing with your insecurities is HUGE and the first step and I am so glad that you shared this post.
"C" - I hope you don't mind me not usisng your title, but I'm feeling a little free the people, spread democracy right now. Thanks for dropping by.
ReplyDeleteI think it's always good when people start to realize that what ever physical differences they believe they have from others are really unimportant. Unfortunately, sometimes we don't realize that until we are older. Strange thing is, that difference can at the right time be the one thing that makes a person speacial and stand out. For a example dark skinned woman with flawless skin is someone to be prized, you see it all the time in the fashion magazines.
So yes, I guess accepting who we are is the best way to deal insecurities, but i's not easy to get to that point.