Just some thoughts and ideas going around in my head while trying to figure out where I am and where everyone else is going.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Wrong Gift

Christmas is coming but then you’ve probably heard that already.

This year much like last year and the year before, I won’t have to find or even think about a present for that special someone. I won’t have to rack my brains trying to figure out what is going to be the best thing that will bring joy to other half and yet represent me in such a way that would make me proud. I don’t have to think about getting jewelry or designer clothing or exclusive cologne made by nuns in hills of Spain. Although, when I did get those things for my partner, they were never really appreciated anyway. I think I’ve said this before; he would give me a list of things that he wanted and asked for a list from me. I always thought it took the spirit of gift giving for me but it was what he wanted so I went along with it. When I think back though, having a list from someone sometimes avoids you from getting the wrong gift.

I’m not sure it was around Christmas, but I remember one year when there wasn’t a list of things that I wanted he gave me a vibrating bullet. It wasn’t the one that pictured here, but one made out of that cheap white plastic that your mother’s Tupperware used to be made from and I thought to myself, “What the hell am I supposed to do with this?” But I said nothing and took it home with me.

Later that week I sat naked on my bed and decided to try the bullet out. After turning the thing on and rubbing it up and down my penis and not really getting anything from it, I figured perhaps that wasn’t the way it was supposed to be used. So I put some lube on it and shoved it part way up my anus. I turned it on again and “schloop”, that thing went all the way up my ass like it had found a special home for itself.

So there I was sitting, holding onto an electrical cord coming out from between my cheeks with one hand and stroking my special friend with the other wondering how, if something happened, I would explain this to people and what was the point of it all? Feeling like a fool, I also wondered why didn’t any instructions come with the bullet and why didn’t it come in a box or a plastic bag? ...And then it came to me. I wasn’t the only ass this little bitch had been in but I knew then that unless someone was to go through the garbage, I would certainly be the last.

That was the wrong gift.


  1. Lol, funny. Do you read 2birds1blogs? This made me think of them. Also, glad to see you updating :)

  2. Happy Holidays! Be safe. I predict you'll have someone to buy gifts for after xmas. That's the best time anyway. Or am I thinking about myself..LOL

  3. that's the kind of story you read and you wish you could have seen through a keyhole... LOL

  4. "I turned it on again and “schloop”, that thing went all the way up my ass like it had found a special home for itself."

    LMAO!!!! OMG I almost spit my coke out..lol...thanks ..I really needed that!

  5. ROFLMAO!!!!! Ok Curious there are times in our life when a TMI moment is just priceless. I never wanted you to picture playing solo, but now that I have I can't stop laughing. Thanks! I Think?

  6. I think I can comment now being that I'm able to remove myself from my desk without a raging hard-on; somewhere between naked and placing items in special places did strange things to this brotha.

    I agree that was indeed the wrong gift, there was no packaging or instructions, but nevertheless you found use for it!

    Hopefully you'll have a significant other to treat to nice gifts next holiday. Happy Holidays!

  7. ...up the anus...really? I hadn't thought to do that...I mean, umm...if I had something like that in my possesion.
    What's a bullet?

    *whistling and looking up at...anything...all innocent and whatnot*

  8. IDK....it looks kinda fun. I would definitly try it. But I am like Mickey from that cereal commercial, I will try anything, once.

  9. Oday - Now if you had asked about the video Two Girls and a Cup I would know who you were talking about. No I got this idea off the radio. They were talking about people's worst Christmas gifts.

    D - I think you are referring to yourself. Like Dionne Warwick said, I'll never fall in love again.

    Eduardo - You see that's why people with those kind of doors block up the keyholes nowadays.

    Toy - I don't want to put words in your mouth, but you sound like you can relate.

    Ingrid - No shame in learning. Knowledge is truth and or power and the beauty of it is, you can decide what to do with it.

    Chet - Now I'm glad you didn't scare them kids with your version of the Titanic, but Happy Holidays to you too.

    BBB - Somehow if I had been blogging when this had taken place, I think you may have been the first person who I would have asked for advice from.

    Cincinnati NAMjA - I know this profile picture. But besides that I would ask myself is that really a good way to be? After all what ever happened to Mikey? Is he lying sprawled out in the gutter somewhere, or is he selling insurance and hating every minute of his life?

  10. I was gonna ask if I was the only one to get a bit excited by this... ahem... "entry".

    But I can see from Chet's comment that I'm not.

    Have an awesome Christmas!

  11. Garçon - You have a Merry Christmas also.


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