Just some thoughts and ideas going around in my head while trying to figure out where I am and where everyone else is going.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

I Yearn

Please excuse the personal post but I yearn to do something different, and I don’t know what. I’m bored and I long for a change and I don’t know why.

I suppose I could volunteer somewhere doing something worthwhile for someone, people, the community, but I don’t really have the social skills to do stuff like that well. I like structure and I like to take responsibility (that’s a euphemism for take charge) for what I do. But since it wouldn’t be my organization, I would have to take orders from somebody else and take them for free. I don’t do orders that well, so that wouldn’t really be a good fit for me, a legacy from my father I think.

I have sort of mentioned this before, but right now I could have been somewhere over the Atlantic, still trying to get some sleep. However, I traded in my tickets for Paris yesterday for tickets to Rome next year, although I'm not sure what I will do there. I came to the conclusion that the even though I had originally thought that I would have been travelling to meet with someone for fun and adventure, a chance to relive old times, it would be a bad idea. I thought to myself that it was probably going to turn out to be more misery and inconvenience, Paris in the winter, and I have already done too many of those types of trips so why do it again. Best to find an excuse, pretend I’ve been hurt and not go.

I could have been bumped up against some big hefty guy who was looking to get even more space from my small piece of coach, or I could have been sitting next to some middle-aged woman twittering away about how her children are doing this or that for her and that except for the quiet lonely one, they were her pride and joy and if I ever met them I would find her or even him so fascinating.

Funny that, I used to think once you hit 35 you were middle aged. Now that that number has long been passed for me, middle aged is now somewhere around 50 or even 60. I guess it’s all a matter of perspective.

Another thing that’s funny is that I always seem to make decisions and then I look around for reasons to justify those decisions. I always seem to follow the old axiom “he who hesitates is lost,” especially when it turns out to be the wrong decision. Of course there is the other axiom of looking before you leap, which I will often do as I watch opportunity slip away right in front of me.

So that’s it, my life has somehow turned out to be a series of mishaps and mistakes and for some reason I keep repeating them. And so I yearn to do something different.

I just don’t know what.


  1. Never apologize for your personal posts....thats what I like about your blog.

  2. Oh and that picture scares me. It's like Rocky horror picture show in the nude. Shivers.

  3. Nite - Thanks. I just didn't want to come off all hokey and sappy and woe is me, which I think was the direction I was heading in.

    RunningMom - Please don't tell me you're scared of the Rocky Horror Picture Show as well. Just remember, it's just a jump to the left and then a step to the right.

  4. One thing life does do for us is give us another chance..use them wisely.

  5. Sometimes you just want to get things off your chest, nothing wrong with that. Besides why couldn't you write about YOU on YOUR blog?...lol As for your feelings...sigh lets just say I can relate.

    BTW I love your pics especially the ocean image in the heading...so serene and yet pensive :)

  6. Darius - Thanks for the tip.

    Miss Mahogany - I suppose you are right, but I originally wanted the blog to be about discovery and exploration and not just a dull tell all version of stuff everybody else has gone through already or will go through eventually. I guess I was just feeling sorry for myself and like you said had to get it off.

    Oh and thanks about the heading. That is exactly what I going for but I wasn't really sure it was working.

  7. I feel you on wanting to do something different. I have all these ideas in my damn head, but have not every been able to follow through on any of them. What really sucks that since I became a sergeant I have not been enjoying police work as much as I once did.

  8. One Man - Could this be a sign of a mid-life crisis where we are trying to find a meaning to it all? I don't know. And I don't know how old you are, but at least you have your childrens books that you are trying to write and publish. Me, I got nothing but me and somehow that doesn't seem to be as much much as it used to be. Ho hum.

  9. Weren't you going to look more into adoption? Check out these kids - They are an older sibling group in PA... They are featured this week on the Adopt US kids website:


    "This trio is active and friendly, and they all do very well in school!"

    Not that I'm trying to push kids on you, but just to show you there are good kids in the system if you were giving it some more thought. I'm still waiting on my little girl.

  10. RunningMom - I was thinking about the possibility of adopting a child, not half the village. To quadruple my expenses and go from 0 kids to 3 in one night would drive me to drink and deep depression. Probably wouldn't be a good thing for anyone concerned.

  11. I know I'm late on this post...but I know how you feel. Now this advice I wish I would take as well.. Live is supposed to be lived and sometimes things don't work out like you want but at least you will have done it. I'm so not a risk taker...but I am going on this very controlled trip to Africa so for me it's still a risk and I'm trying to make more. Oh this wasn't supposed to be about me...sorry...I just know where you're coming from.

  12. D - I had read where you were going to Africa with your job. I should have given you credit for making me think about one of old desires. Anyway, as you get older sometimes you realize that it gets harder and harder to get out of your own comfort zone, that's why I probably wouldn't do Africa unless I could do it right. But you, you have so much ahead of you that you can add to your life's experiences. All I'm saying is if the job is giving you an opportunity for something different, take full advantage.


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